From Conflict to Calm: How Therapy Helps Co-Parents Work Together
Co-parenting is a challenge that most people do not plan on taking, but it happens to many of us. Separation and divorce may end one relationship, but not your role as a parent. While change and loss are always difficult to navigate, they also present new opportunities. Prioritizing your role as a co-parent and the wellbeing of your children is the best way to move forward.
Fights and conflict can feel impossible to avoid, but kids should be put first. They deserve calm. They deserve role models that can demonstrate how to manage complex relationships. ALL IN offers a variety of Parenting Resources.
Why Conflicts Hurt More Than Parents Realize
Being forced to keep a relationship that ended will inevitably bring conflict. Parents need to handle their emotions. This will help them to co-parent successfully. It may seem like difficult emotions and hurt feelings between ex-partners will stay between the two adults. However, kids pay attention to everything around them. They learn from what they observe. Conflict between parents creates a constant emotional toll on the kids stuck in the crossfire, with less agency and control over the situation than their co-parents. This emotional toll on the children can show itself with increased anxiety, confusing and divided loyalty, and stress.
Parent exhaustion is another source of tension. Dealing with separation and a change in your life and parenting journey will be stressful and beyond tiring, and that will trickle down to the kids. They will notice the lack of energy and the sense of loss. If neither parent is working to fix the situation, this lack of relief will weigh everyone down. It is likely to lead to even more conflict and feelings of exhaustion.
There will be conflict, no matter how prepared and skilled you are to handle it. Co-parenting should not be defined by that completely normal conflict though. Instead it can be used as an opportunity to put your kids’ wellbeing first, and that starts with your own. Being able to handle conflict well and calmly sets a great example.
Practicing emotional self-regulation will help parents handle conflicts with calm and a healthy perspective. Things like mindfulness, deep breathing, and even professional help will aid parents in keeping their priorities straight during these difficult interactions. The kids will notice healthy conflict resolution too!
Practical Tips for Conflict-Free Co-Parenting
Use child-centred communication.
Making communication about the child and focusing on the child first is a great way to avoid conflict in difficult co-parenting relationships. Decisions should be made with the child’s best interests in mind, big or small. Put the child’s happiness and development first over the parent’s convenience or preferences. This approach will help make the child feel understood and valued while also minimizing conflict.
Talk from your perspective.
Using “I” statements and avoiding blame is important. Keeping communication, especially in writing like with texts or emails, professional and without emotion is a great tool. Using some sort of template or script to help facilitate this habit is a great way to avoid conflict and increase understanding and success between co-parents. Professional help can also be a great way to maintain neutral communication in person when emotional self-regulation can be most difficult, but also important.
Set clear boundaries.
Navigating schedules and transportation can be challenging. The division of labor is also difficult. However, clear communication is essential. Setting boundaries is vital for healthy co-parenting. Boundaries can be set concerning privacy, or details shared about personal lives, or the frequency of communication. Defining what is and is not acceptable for both parties will help prevent conflicts from happening in the first place. It also lets the child know that their needs are being put first. Something as simple as choosing a neutral location for child exchanges will have benefits. Co-parenting or Family Therapy can be a great place to hash out these kinds of boundaries, while also offering tools to maintain and build off of some simple and healthy examples.
Agree to disagree.
This can be really hard for some people. However, by shifting your focus to what is best for the kids, it can become a great tool. This approach helps maintain peace and supports healthy co-parenting. You don’t need to agree on every decision. Fighting over small issues can snowball into fighting about every issue. Constant fighting is stressful for everybody, and does not put the child first. Learning how to let go of conflict allows you to prioritize what matters most for your child rather than your own personal needs.
Use a safe space.
Co-parenting therapy offers a safe space to work on all of these tips and more. Co-parenting can be full of conflict and overwhelming at times. However, it can also go smoothly. Using a neutral space to work on shared priorities is beneficial. This approach helps in raising healthy humans together.Having a third party can help mediate conflicts or sources of friction instead of letting them build and blow up. Coming together to focus on healthy co-parenting solutions is a powerful gesture in itself. Therapy offers another set of tools and strategies to help achieve your goals. No matter what stage you are at, there is never a bad time to seek help.
Common Challenges & How to Handle Them
One parent refuses to cooperate. This is a common problem that can lead to a lot of frustration. The important thing to remember is that the child’s needs need to come first. Another parent’s refusal to honor that is certain to be frustrating and lead to conflict, but keeping your perspective focused on the child and their needs will help. Neutral language that keeps that focus in the forefront can help, but sometimes professional intervention is the best approach.
Emotional triggers from past relationship issues. This problem may feel (and actually be) impossible to avoid, but it is best for the kid’s and your own wellbeing to handle it the best that you can. This is where working on yourself and seeking out other tools for dealing with these past issues can really help you move on and avoid re-living past triggers and relationship issues. Avoiding your co-parent is often impossible, but improving how you handle these past emotional issues is always available. Professional help, whether individually or for the family will offer more tools to help alleviate past stressors.
Step-parents or blended family dynamics. Co-parenting doesn’t just involve the two biological parents and their children together, it also involves extended families past, present, and future. Prioritizing the child’s needs despite a changing dynamic in the family system is most important. Being able to be flexible while still advocating and supporting your child is a challenge worth fighting for. Regular and structured communication can help keep things moving in the right direction. Trying to maintain healthy routines is another way to keep connections throughout the changing of family dynamics.
Kids caught in the middle. It is not fair for the kids to handle conflict between co-parents. Even being around it can make them feel like they need to choose a side. They may also feel like they have to keep secrets or withhold information. Keeping language as neutral as possible and making their needs the priority is a great way to show kids that they aren’t in the middle of conflict, but instead the focus of a healthy relationship.
When to Seek Professional Support
If despite all your best efforts, conflict keeps coming up when trying to co-parent, then therapy may be a great way to help alleviate these issues. Increased anxiety or stress can be a sign that kids are struggling too. Therapy provides a neutral ground to help tackle any and all issues. It shows everyone involved that realizing a healthy environment for the kids is the priority. ALL IN provides services for all of these needs, from family counseling and mediation services to individual and group therapy options for parents and children alike.
The Bottom Line
Peaceful co-parenting isn’t about being friends, it’s about giving your kids a calmer home. Kids’ needs must be prioritized first in a healthy way, and each co-parent needs to be able to handle their emotions and the constant conflicts that will ensue. If conflict feels impossible to manage, our therapists can help you find new ways forward. Using professional help should be seen as a positive step towards healthy boundaries and relationships. Experts like those at ALL IN can offer fresh perspectives and solutions, while also helping to avoid minor disagreements from escalating. Peace and cooperation is the goal, and we are here to help every step of the way!
Frequently Asked Questions
- How do you co-parent peacefully after divorce?
Communication is key! Prioritize the kids first, second, and third while maintaining your own emotional wellbeing
- What are signs of toxic co-parenting?
Toxic co-parenting shows up in continual conflict or emotional dysregulation. If a co-parent continues to miss appointments, refuses to listen or come to agreements, or breaks boundaries regularly, that may be a sign or toxic co-parenting. Placing children in the middle of conflicts or using them for their own wants and needs is another sign
- What is the hardest part of co-parenting?
Redefining the new relationships and establishing healthy boundaries is often the most difficult part of co-parenting. Having to take care of your own needs while protecting and prioritizing the children’s needs is a constant challenge.
- How do therapists help with co-parenting conflict?
Therapists offer a neutral ground to handle conflicts in the healthiest way possible. They offer outside perspectives that can help both co-parents figure out how best to raise their kids together.
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