Couples Communication

Any good couples therapy should, at its core, be guided to help a couple talk to each other differently. Whether the couple struggles with being honest, or kind, or addressing the elephant in the room, one ultimate objective of couples counseling is to help couples enjoy the day-to-day interactions with each other, including the way they talk with each other.

Sometimes couples do best when they focus on talking and need someone to help guide those talks. Sometimes couples have historically been able to talk well but have gotten off track because of a crisis or issus in their past. Thus, addressing and resolving the crisis can help restore their otherwise healthy communication patterns. Sometimes the issue primarily lies in a struggle one member of the couple is having, and that person is not participating in conversations with the same honesty and trust they once did. In this case, helping the struggling partner resolve their issue while supporting the other partner can be really effective.

If the couple is struggling with a lack of communication, it is important to understand the reasons why.

For some couples, they have a tremendous amount of potential but one of both members of the relationship are simply not investing in each other and sharing or talking enough. This may be because of past habits they are repeating, or because of some bad habits they picked up during their relationship. IT could also be because of the demands their jobs, kids, or family place on their day; they simply don’t have enough time or energy for each other. If this is the case, a couples counselor can help the couple learn and integrate those communication skills they have otherwise forgotten.

For some couples, they lack communication because their is not enough trust or desire between them. Perhaps they are communicating exactly what they intend; leave me alone. If this is the case, then the couple needs significant repair of whatever has been plaguing their relationship.

Whatever the reason, lack of communication can be fixed if the couple wants it to be fixed.

This answer is impossible to reduce down to a number, but let us try to answer it differently. The vast majority of relationships that end do so because, at one point in their relationship, they realized they were not going to get their needs met. While it is true that some couple actually had a great communication pattern all the way up to the end of their relationship, most couples had a significant breakdown in their communication before their end. Either out of desperation, frustration, hurt, or fear, the couple starts to communicate with each other in a way that was completely different than how they once talked to each other.

So, do the problems precede bad communication, or does the bad communication lead to problems. It is going to be different for each relationship. What we do know is that, when relationships communicate well, they tend to stay together.

Poor communication typically comes about in a few ways.

First: Lack of communication. This is when a couple simply does not communicate enough and avoids each other, either intentionally or unintentionally.

Second: Hostility. This is when a couple has lost their relationship to their conflict and anger. They are too conflictual with each other and the safety and trust in their relationship has been compromised.

Third: Manipulation. This is when the couple is talking, is not necessarily arguing, but one or both are lying to the other and giving the other a false impression. Regardless of the reason, they are trying to control the impression the other person has and is giving them overt or subtle falsehoods to ensure their partner thinks a certain way about them, even if they intend well. This leads both people to be engaged in a relationship dynamic built on deception, even sometimes benevolent deception.