Therapy for Emotional Disconnection

It is entirely appropriate to look at emotional disconnection as a coping mechanism. For whatever reason, one or both people have seen themselves unwilling or unable to emotionally connect to their partner and have chosen rather to develop a more independent relationship. Perhaps the other person was not open to reciprocating emotional affection.

Perhaps one partner grew up in a family that was not “good with emotions” and where emotional connection between partners was not modeled well, so they are just repeating what they saw. Emotional disconnection signals that the couple does not fully value or feel safe enough with emotional vulnerability. As such, they have relied less and less on each other for the everyday support, encouragement, and connection that people tend to need. Thus, they are coping by turning away.

People can disconnect from their partners for a lot of reasons. Sometimes this can be in reaction to intense conflict or a significant event in a relationship. Also, it could be the result of a gradual decline in the interactions and emotional connection in a relationship.

Ultimately, when two people become disconnected from each other, they are have started to drift apart and live more independently. The longer this remains, the more likely the couple is to be dissatisfied in their relationship, and potentially end their commitment to each other.

Disconnection is not something someone gets rid of, but more something that two people evolve past. When a couple is disconnected, they have reverted back to a state they once were, before they met. They are back in a time where they do not rely on each other emotionally. To become connected is to advance the depth and mutual relaiance in a relationship to a state of mutual reliance. The first step is to recognize that you both need and want to be together, to no longer be alone. Following that, to become connected requires a series of choices, risks, and opportunities to invite the other person into your daily life.

While grand gestures are great, emotional intimacy is more strongly built by understanding the everyday life of the other person. Sharing deeply about your day, your thoughts, your struggles, your hopes, things you find funny, things your boss told you, and things that drove you nuts that day are all ways to invite your partner into knowing the real you. Conversely, when the other person shares of themselves, listening intently and actively participating in the conversation is a way to make it clear to the other person that you care, you are a safe person to share things with, and you want to know them.

Couples become connected when they try, and they move out of their isolated comfort zone. Invite your partner to connect with you, and give them something to connect to.

Think of your mind like a circuit breaker. When a circuit breaker experiences a strong surge of electricity, or is overloaded in some way, a circuit trips and it “shuts down”. This is to prevent more serious consequences. The same can be understood in your mind.

When someone is overloaded with stimulus, they can “shut down” and become disconnected from the world around them. Dissociation is a helpful safety feature built in your brain to escape a situation where too much stimulus is coming your way.

While some dissociation is normal and healthy (daydreaming can be a form of dissociation), a problem arises when someone dissociates too frequently, is doing so outside of their control, and is unable to return back to the present moment.