He doesn’t want to have sex with me. Is my husband gay?

Introduction

If a woman’s husband no longer wants to have sex with her, she may immediately jump to the conclusion that he’s gay. However, there are plenty of other factors that could contribute to intimacy issues.

Outlined below are answers to some common questions women might ask if their husbands no longer want to have sex with them.

Table of Contents

(click on a question below to be directed quickly)

Why Don’t Men Want to Have Sex with Their Wives?
If He Is Not Having Sex with Me, Is He Having Sex with Someone Else?
What Are Some Signs That My Husband Is Not Attracted to Women?
How Do I Find Out if My Husband Is Secretly Gay?
What Should You Do if You Find Out Your Husband Is Gay?
References

Why Don’t Men Want To Have Sex With Their Wives?

There are many potential reasons why a man doesn’t want to have sex with his wife, including these:

• Stress and anxiety around work, finances, or other issues can zap their energy and sex drive (according to a report published by the Archives of Sexual Behavior journal, this is common among men and women)
• Low testosterone, which affects 1 in 50 men (according to the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center) can diminish a man’s sex drive
• Other medical conditions like erectile dysfunction which affects 52 percent of men (according to this study from the Journal of Urology), could cause a man to feel insecure about his sexual performance

If you believe you have a medical problem, schedule an appointment with a medical expert.

If He Is Not Having Sex With Me, Is He Having Sex With Someone Else?

Infidelity may contribute to a man’s sudden lack of sex drive and desire for his partner. If he’s secretly dating someone else, he may be more interested in being intimate with her.

Turning down sex doesn’t always point to infidelity, though. It could be an indicator of another problem, like the health and wellness-related issues mentioned above.

What Are Some Signs That My Husband Is Not Attracted To Women?

Of course, there’s a chance that a woman’s husband isn’t interested in having sex with her because he’s attracted to men and not women. Here are a few potential indicators that this may be the case:

• Sexual activity declines early in the marriage and never picks back up again
• He seems turned off by sexual activity
• Sexual activity feels mechanical and not passionate
• He has gay pornography on his computer

These issues, including gay pornography, do not automatically mean that a man is gay. Some men are gay and don’t display any of these behaviors. Others are straight and still do for a myriad of other reasons.

How Do I Find Out If My Husband Is Secretly Gay?

If a woman has concerns about her husband being secretly gay, snooping and spying are discouraged. As the journal Partner Abuse points out, this behavior fosters more distrust and resentment.

Working with a marriage and family therapist or another mental health professional is a better approach. Therapy provides a safe space for both partners to address their concerns.

While it may be uncomfortable, you are also encouraged to ask him. Maybe bring up that you are trying to understand why you both are not having sex, and you are just trying to discover the reason. Some husbands are gay and try to hide it. Though, these tend to be a very small minority of cases. However, a healthy couple should be able to talk about all things, including very sensitive topics like this.

What Should You Do if You Find Out Your Husband Is Gay?

If a woman does find out that her husband is gay, she shouldn’t blame herself, lash out at her husband, or try to change him with tools like conversion therapy, which has been proven to be harmful and ineffective (Cornell University has compiled a vast collection of research debunking these approaches).

Instead, the woman should continue seeking support from a therapist. Her therapist can help her see this is a situation that’s outside of her control and provide guidance so she responds in a way that’s healthy for everyone.

If you are contemplating divorce consider reading more about Discernment Counseling.

There are also LGBT-affirmative counselors available to talk through concerns about your sexual identity.

References:

Bakare, T. (2021, January 6). How low testosterone treatment can help – and harm – a man’s sex drive and fertility: Men’s Health: UT Southwestern Medical Center. Men’s Health | UT Southwestern Medical Center. https://utswmed.org/medblog/low-testosterone-symptoms-causes-treatment/.

Beck, J. G., & Bozman, A. W. (1995). Gender differences in sexual desire: The effects of anger and anxiety. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 24(6), 595-612.

Feldman, H. A., Goldstein, I., Hatzichristou, D. G., Krane, R. J., & McKinlay, J. B. (1994). Impotence and its medical and psychosocial correlates: results of the Massachusetts Male Aging Study. The Journal of Urology, 151(1), 54-61.

Rodriguez, L. M., DiBello, A. M., Øverup, C. S., & Neighbors, C. (2015). The price of distrust: Trust, anxious attachment, jealousy, and partner abuse. Partner abuse, 6(3), 298-319.

Photo by Klaus Nielsen from Pexels

Last Updates: 11/27/2023

Medically Reviewed by: Dr. Kyle Zrenchik

Disclaimer: ALL IN Therapy Clinic aims to improve people’s lives through providing effective mental health counseling by passionate professionals. We publish quality material for your own education. Our publications are researched, cited, reviewed, and edited by licensed mental health professionals. The information we provide is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. It should not be used in place of the advice of a qualified healthcare provider.