Therapy fo Indidelity & Affair Recovery

When a couple experiences infidelity, it is a major crisis event. Working through the impacts and effects of infidelity is incredibly challenging. Emotions are high, the stakes are high, and the likelihood of making a major error is also high. Infidelity is one of those issues that couples really struggle to properly address alone and can benefit from professional counseling. 

One of the most common mistakes couples make when trying to address infidelity is that, at some point, they try to bury and ignore what happened. They do this to try to “move on”. Unfortunately, much like a broken bone, if it is not cared for properly, the bone will heal incorrectly and cause permanent issues. 

When couples partner with an experienced couples therapist, they can more confidently address the infidelity in a way that is thorough, thoughtful, and helps them make it on the other side. In short, infidelity is too serious of an issue to not get help.

In many ways, yes, but in some ways no. The intensity of the pain, the constant reminders, the deep hurt, and the triggers will go away when addressed properly. Understanding, forgiveness, transparency, and a feeling that the couple is tackling it together are all aspects of addressing infidelity properly. LEarning why it happened, and what needs to change so that it doesn;t happen again are crucial steps. When couples are brave and committed, the pain that infidelity can cause does lessen significantly over time.

But, a couple should not expect that all of the pain will go away. It will never be a happy memory. It will always be a painful part of the history of a couple. But when it is healed, the infidelity will change from being a constant source of pain to a tough few moments a few times a year.

Most couples that experience infidelity do not end their relationship because of it, despite what most people may believe. However, couples may not heal from infidelity despite staying together. Depending on how you define “survive”, the answer to that question may change. When infidelity happens, couples can take one of 4 routes.

1- They end it immediately. This often signifies that there were other underlying issues and the infidelity was too much for the relationship to bear. There are a small percentage of couples that were otherwise happy and stable that go this route, but those are rare. These couples, or at least one partner, knows that it is over and proceeds quickly. 

2- They end it after a short period of time. The shock of the infidelity may be overwhelming and one or both partners needed time to really think about what that means for their relationship. Maybe they have kids to think about, or shared property, or they are formally married. They usually are committed to each other in some way, and leaving is a big consideration with big consequences.

3- They stay together but don’t heal. These couples, for a variety of reasons, desire to stay together and may try to work it out. This can range from simply ignoring it all together, to talking about it and trying to directly address it. But, at some point, they realize that they are not going to get what they need from the other person to fully learn and heal, so they stop trying. In this case, the infidelity becomes a festering wound and the couple never gets past it.

4- They stay together and work through it. These couples, for a variety of reasons, believe that, despite how badly the infidelity hurts, they don’t want to lose their relationship. These couples tend to be really intentional about addressing the infidelity. They read, learn, talk, and make intentional changes as a couple. They each may go through a different process, but they also feel like this is something they are going through together as a couple. These couples heal, and transform, so they make it on the other side of infidelity stronger, and with a sense of understanding, forgiveness, and a renewed sense of trust. 

It is estimated that between 25% and 65% of all marriages will experience infidelity. This is a wide range because not all infidelity is discovered or revealed. While most infidelities involve sex, some infidelities would be considered just “emotional infidelities” which can be much harder to identify. Some people may have committed emotional infidelity and not even realize it.

Further, both relationships that are monogamous, and relationships that are “open” experience infidelity. Infidelity can, and does, happen within every type of relationship. Because there are a million different reasons infidelity happens, there is no relationship that is “infidelity proof”.