Is a Marital Separation the Right Choice?

Understand what a marital separation entails, when it is needed, and how it can be structured effectively.

Make an informed decision about your relationship, especially before beginning a separation.

Table of Contents

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What are the Do’s and Don’ts of a Marital Separation?
Is separation good for marriage?
What are the “rules” of a marital separation?
Should I ignore my spouse during a separation?
Should you talk during a separation?
Is sleeping with someone during a separation adultery?
How long should married couples stay separated?
What percentage of separated couples get back together?
What should you not do during a separation?
Can I stay separated forever?

What are the Do’s and Don’ts of a Marital Separation?

Do take the time to focus on your well-being and personal values. Virginia Satir, founder of the Satir Experiential Model of family therapy, discussed the idea of “living congruently,” this is when how you act and what you say matches with what you internally feel. 

When we live incongruently we lose track of our true self according to authors in the book Marriage and Family Therapy. Often during marital conflict, individuals operate on autopilot as they suppress emotions that come with their distress. 

If you take time to separate, prioritize your own needs in order to increase clarity on what is important to you. This includes whether or not you want to save your marriage.

Do have a plan. Many people experience a drop in their income during a separation states research in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage. and have children with the partner they are separating from. It is important to consider things like bills, bank accounts, childcare, pets, living arrangements, and what communication will look like.

Consider also seeking legal advice, especially if you want a legal agreement in place during this separation period.

Do seek support outside of your relationship. This could be professional, familial, or friendship. A marital separation is often seen as more distressing and ambiguous than a divorce as a separation usually occurs first. Grief may even be something you should attend to during this time.

It is important to find trustworthy relationships to depend on for different needs during a separation.

Do prioritize your physical and mental health. Marital dissolution is one of the most significant life stresses someone may encounter and isolation is the most disruptive period of the process. 

Don’t triangulate others into the marital problems. It is very tempting to involve other people in conflict to feel like we have people on our side. However, this can cause problems later on if your goal is to reunite. 

For example, if you tell your sister everything negative about the marriage and your sister sees all of the negative emotions you are experiencing, this could impact their perspective on your spouse long after the separation. 

It is important for you to have support, but be aware of how involvement of others could be harmful to the relationship.

Don’t emotionally rely on your children. When emotions are challenging and parents do not seek adult support, parents will turn to their children to fill their emotional needs and share distress, this is known as boundary dissolution according to the Journal of Emotional Abuse.

Is separation good for marriage?

A marriage separation can bring a lot of challenges to a marriage. Dr. Pauline Boss, a researcher and mental health practitioner, who is widely recognized for her theory known as ambiguous loss, highlights how there can be ambiguous boundaries in divorcing couples. 

Ambiguous boundaries also applies to separated couples. Researchers in the journal Family Process states that a lack of clarity in roles negatively influences the family system’s ability to restructure which results in family stress and conflict. 

In a separation, parents need to consider specific boundaries between spousal and parental roles to meet the needs of their children as the family adjusts to the new physical boundaries states research in the Journal of Marriage and Family.

What are the “rules” of a marital separation?

Consider your personal purpose or goals of separating. Why are you separating? Is this a trial separation that gives you time to reflect on the future of your marriage, or just time apart before you find time to work on the marriage? How long do you plan to stay separated? 

Having clarity around the purpose of the separation will help provide “rules” and give an idea of the duration of the separation. 

Also, there may be “rules” to discuss with your partner to prevent problems during the separation such as decisions for children, how finances are managed, and communication with extended family.

Second, there are laws that apply during a legal separation that one may want to consider. When you separate legally, the law can help protect you against your partner doing things without your knowledge that you would be responsible for such as purchasing a property or opening a credit card.

It may be important to think through what things could tie you to your partner legally and if you have concerns about their behaviors during the separation.